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So When Are You Having Baby?

You get engaged and the first question people ask is “so when are you getting married?”
You get married and the first question people then ask is “so when are you having a baby?”
Since when did it become ok to ask such a person and private question?
On the other hand, some people don't see them as personal and private questions, everyone sees these questions very differently. Even my husband and I both have different views on this but losing Jack has made my views on these questions change.
Complete strangers have asked me, like many others that question and I often wonder if people that ask that question have ever wondered....
How do you know that the couple or one of them don’t want children?
How do you know that the couple can have children?
How do you know they don’t have health or infertility problems?
How do you the couple can afford to have a baby?
How do you know that they haven’t been trying for a baby and haven’t been able to conceive?
How do you know that they haven’t already suffered a miscarriage, stillborn or lost their son or daughter and maybe they can’t face the possibility of another loss?
People might see it as an innocent question but we just never know how a “seemingly innocent” question might cause someone grief, pain, stress or frustration. I have spoken to so many people that struggle with this question on a daily basis and I have heard the devastating impact that it can have on their life and marriage. The way I see it is that if someone wants to talk to us about their future plans then they will, maybe we don’t need to ask. Maybe the next time someone goes to ask “so when are you having a baby?” they will might think about all of the above possibilities.
I am very lucky that I have "married the man who helped me to smile again"
When Jack died, I could never have imagined falling in love and marrying such an amazing husband but .... I did. If there's hope of happiness for me, there's hope for every bereaved family 💙

I married the man

 

Remembering Jack

Remembering Jack, My Incredible Hulk,
I brought you to this world, your flesh and blood my own
A dream of joy and happiness, that I had never known
I cradled you, and kept you warm, you set my soul on fire
I loved you to the moon and back, to the mountain tops and higher
I watched you grow, each day some more, and then you learned to talk,
You told me that you loved me too, my love, my life, my rock
The years passed fast, I couldn’t know, the pain that was to follow,
The day you left to heavens care, my heart was crushed by sorrow.
A loss so great it crippled me, with hurt, and fear and pain
The sunshine in my world was gone, replaced by wind and rain
I searched for reasons, answers too, alone inside my head
Each time I closed your bedroom door, to hide your empty bed
An ache that only mums could know, in every bone and sinew
Without the strength to face a day, even though you know its in you,
So just for you ill try and smile, maybe not today, but in a while
So you can see your hugs I feel, your with me still, your warmth is real
With years ahead to find some peace, with you I carry on
Ill live your life so you can see, even though I know your gone
I feel the pain with every breath, its endless weight and bulk
But I can beat this with your help, my son, my incredible hulk
A poem by Alex Cairnie
I just came across this agin last week and the words still ring so true, thank you Alex

 

How Many Children Do You Have?

How many children do you have? Do you have any children? Two common questions that often come up in conversations. Until 4 years ago, I didn’t realise how heart wrenching those questions could be.

Now, I know that those two questions can be the most difficult for someone who has lost their son or daughter. Many bereaved parents don’t know how to answer those questions, especially the first time that they are asked them. They are worried that they will get upset saying they ...answer and they are worried about how their answer will make the other person feel.

Many people ask me what my answer to those questions are and my answer is simple, “I had a son but he died”
That answer can seem quite harsh and blunt but that’s the reality of it. If I say “Yes, I have a son”, people then go onto ask questions like “where is he today?” “what age is he?” and I just don’t want that conversation to take place. I no longer worry about the other person feeling uncomfortable or upset at my answer because I have to live with this reality, their life will move on.

Perhaps saying that I don’t have any children will make that person feel less uncomfortable but the way I see it is that telling the truth might make them feel uncomfortable for 5 minutes but denying my son will make me feel awful for a long time.
A few years ago, I was in company that I didn’t know and someone who was drunk asked me “do you have any kids?” Because they were drunk, I felt it would be easier just to say no so I did. For the rest of that day and the next few days, I felt physically sick and so upset because I felt that I had denied Jacks existence. That experience has never left me and since that day, I have never said no to that question again, simply because it doesn’t work for me. There are no right or wrong answers to those questions, just like grieving...you have to do what feels right for you.

I just wish that no parent ever had to worry about those questions, no parent should ever lose their son or daughter.
Many bereaved parents ask me about this, perhaps you have had this experience and you could comment with what you say to those questions.

Sending love and strength to all of those missing their son or daughter.

Arlene

 

Mother's Day

Many will be mourning their Mums today,
Many will be mourning their Grans today
But in the past, it never occurred to be that many would be mourning their son or daughter today.
That was until I lost my own son Jack.
I don't know if he would call me mum or mummy or anymore, I don't know if he would still be as cuddly or tell me he loved me as much as he did when he was 5. I don't know what my son would be like anymore but I do know that for 5 years, I got to be his mummy and I got to feel his unconditional love.
Many are never given that opportunity and none will ever have the joy of Jack as their son, for that I feel eternally grateful.
I know how easy it is to get caught up in the everyday life of being a parent but maybe tonight, you could take a minute to be grateful for the son or daughter you have or acknowledge a mother who is grieving theirs.
I really do believe that there is no stronger mother than one that lives every day without their son or daughter.
As tonight comes to a close, I'm sending all my love to every broken hearted mum who has survived today. That's the true meaning of courage and strength.
From one broken hearted mother to another xx

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