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Its ok to go baby

“Its ok baby, if you are ready to go now its ok, mummy is here, you don’t have to fight any longer, it’s going to be ok, mummy loves you”.

I will never forget saying those final words to jack as he lay about to die in my arms with his dad at his side.
As a parent you feel so helpless lying there knowing that your child is going to die and there is nothing that you can do to save them. For months after Jacks death, I was filled with guilt for saying that to Jack, I kept thin...king, I should have told him to keep fighting but as his mum, I didn’t want him to suffer any longer. Jack had fought to save alive for 36 hours and I remember the doctor kept saying, Jack will decide, Jack will decide when and what happens. I really do believe that Jack didn’t decide to die or did he want to die, I know Jack did all he could all to stay alive but in the end, his little body just couldn’t fight any longer.

Every parent remembers that moment when they held their new-born child in their arms for the 1st time, no parent should ever remember holding their child for the last time as they die in their arms. I would give anything to hold Jack in my arms just one more time. Everyday I feel so sad without Jack but today has been exceptionally hard reliving the final days and hours of his life and my arms ache to feel his cuddle so please cuddle your son or daughter just once more tonight for all the children that aren’t here to have one.

Both Jacks dad and I were lucky to be at Jacks side as he died but I know that some parents are not as lucky. No parent should ever have to endure such a tragedy, your son or daughter should never die. We lost our son overnight to a cold and flu virus so please be extra vigilant with your children during these winter months. I only wish I knew then what I know now.

As I was doing this post, I realised that I don’t have very many pictures of Jack sleeping. If I can give any advice, it is to take as many pictures if you children as you can. You don’t the value of a photograph until it is all you have left
I can’t thank you all enough for the support, kindness and compassion particularly over the last few days. I have read every single comment and I cannot put into the words the impact they have. Thank you for all the awareness that you have helped to raise by commenting, liking and sharing posts.

Arlene, Jack’s Mummy xxx15540788 1209227462502536 8317683459509607470 o

Go Hold Your Sons Hand

“Go hold your sons hand because you don’t know much longer you will get to do it for”

That sentence will live with me forever because that was the moment that I realised that my son was most probably going to die. I can honestly say that for me, that is probably the most beautiful way you can tell/prepare a parent that their child is going to die without using those terrifying words.

How do you tell any parent that their child is going to die? How do you explain to a parent ...that their child who was healthy the night before will never wake up again? To the doctors and nurses that tried to save my boy and who on a daily basis, try to save the life’s od someone’s son or daughter ….I thank you. Having to watch a child die and tell their parents such devastating news must be the hardest job in the world.

I remember the doctor calling me and saying “I am sorry that I couldn’t save your boy” but for me he did save my boy. Thanks to the doctor and nurses in the RAH Paisley starting Jacks heart again, I was able to spend another 36 hours with my son and have him die in my arms. I can’t even imagine how I would have felt if I had got the hospital and Jack had died without me there. For giving my son the best chance and for allowing us and our families to be there, I will be forever in the debt to the doctors and nurses at RAH Paisley and Edinburgh Sick Kids.

Jack would hold my hand all the time especially when we were on the couch watching tv and when he was going to sleep. I thought I would be able to hold his hand as he walked through the rest of his life and although I am so sad that I wont, I am so thankful that I got to hold his hand in his last hours in this earth.

Tomorrow is never guaranteed so tonight please “Go hold your child’s hand because you don’t know much longer you will get to do it for”

Arlene, Jack’s Mummy xxx15493376 1208413505917265 2494395029874380228 o

4 Years On

As I approach the 4th anniversary of my sons death, the 4th Xmas and Birthday without him, I look back at wonder how I actually got to here. This video is a stark reminder of just how much I have struggled throughout the years but I am still standing and that is hope.

So many people will be approaching the 1st Xmas without their son or daughter, many people ask me what I do at Xmas and this video talks you through my sons 1st anniversary, birthday and Xmas. There really is n...o right or wrong thing to do, you just have to do what gets you through another day.

I hear so many people tell grieving families, "you need to celebrate xmas", "you cant be alone at Xmas", "you need to get the tree up", you need to do this, you need to do that. In reality, we don't have to do any of these norms, we don't have to do anything except survive what I believe is the hardest time of the year for any bereaved family.

Sending love and strength to all those facing Xmas without their son or daughter x

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oMEyywl5YaY

Mummy I Dont Want To Die

Mummy I don’t want to die,
Jack your not going to die.
Are you going to die mummy?
No im not going to die Jack, not for a long time and you will be a big boy by then with your own family.
But I don’t want you to die mummy and I don’t want another family, your my family mummy....
Right Jack lets make a deal, when we are old, you and I will die together.
Mummy I want to die with all my family, even my cousins that I don’t know.

Fast forward two weeks and I am lying next to Jack in an intensive care bed with a nurse telling me that my healthy 5 year old son was about to die. I remember crying and saying to the nurse but I promised Jack that we would die together, how can this be possible? I can’t let my son die.

I was driving Jack to his school Xmas disco on the very night this picture and that conversation took place. I don’t know then that two weeks later my son would die and I would be forever remembering him saying that he didn’t want to die. Jack was a healthy little boy and had never experience any family members die so I don’t know what made him say that and I will never know.

Having your child die is the worst experience that any parent can suffer but in many ways I know that I have been spared some pain.
Jack didn’t suffer before or during his death and he didn’t know that he was going to die. So many parents have to watch their child suffer with horrible illnesses and have to tell their own child that they are going to die. They have to watch and listen to their child’s fears of dying and I cannot imagine such a pain. In day to day life it can be hard to be thankful for what we have but I for one know that there are some who are so much worse off than me.
Tonight I am going to be thankful for what I had and have, maybe we could all take a minute out of our night to do the same.

Arlene, Jack’s Mummy xxCNV00112