This is one “first” that I will never ever forget
The emotions and pain were so raw and looking back, I’m not quite sure how I made it through those times…
i did and I am still here to share my experiences of this awful journey called “Child Loss”
I cannot quite believe that I wrote this post on 11th August 2013
8 long years without my beautiful boy.
So this is possibly the worst dreaded Sunday feeling that I have ever had and this is one “first” that I have been dreading for a long time. Tomorrow marks the start of a new school year and my official return to work.
It only seems like yesterday that I was the proud mummy watching Jack go into Primary 1, two years on and my beautiful baby boy has gone. I had all the worries that every mum has when their child starts Primary 1. Will Jack be ok without me? What if he is upset? Will he make friends? Will he like his teacher? Will he be able to do the work ok? From the picture at his desk on his first day, I am sure you can see that all of those worries were for nothing. Like he always did, Jack just got on with things, he didn’t cry, he made lots of friends and he sure loved his teacher. I spent so much time worrying about things and I just wish I could take that all back and have just enjoyed living in the moment. Before I knew it, along came Primary 2 and you can see from the photos just how much Jack grew up in that time. Now it is time for Primary 3 to begin and my heart hurts at the thought of Jack not being there.
I can’t believe that this week Jacks friends will all go back to school and he won’t be there with him. The start of this new school year is one “first” that I am truly dreading. I suppose it’s like the start of a new chapter and it’s a chapter that Jack won’t be part of. He won’t be part of all the excitement about who their teacher is, who will be in their class, who will they sit next to, who will they play with and Jacks favourite….will they get golden time and will the teacher let them bring in their own toy. Everywhere I go all I can see is school uniforms, school bags and stationery. Last year Jack was desperate for an Avengers school bag and pencil case and I couldn’t find one anywhere, so much so that I had to order it from America. Like fate would have it, what is in all the shops this year? You guessed it, the Avengers and it just feels so wrong. I want to be the mummy in the shops buying all those things for Jack. I hate going to the shops now as its all seems so pointless, even my food shopping was revolved around what Jack liked so the painful memories are everywhere. Nobody told me at the start of this journey how small things like a trip to supermarket can make you physically sick with pain.
I had a two week phased return before the holidays and tomorrow I officially start back work. As I am teacher, I too will be starting that new school year and I don’t quite know how I will do it without Jack. My whole school day was focused around Jack, getting him up for school, making his breakfast and getting him ready for school while he sat watching cartoons. Getting that big kiss, cuddle and I love you in before he went to get the school bus with his nana. I would get to school and I would always watch the clock thinking, its Jacks playtime or lunchtime, I wonder what he has ate and who he played with. 3pm would come and I would always visualise him with that big smile on his face running out the school day. On my early days, I could collect him from school and how we both loved that. What my school day will be now without Jack, I don’t know and as much as I don’t want to know, I have no other option. I may have to work, I may smile, I may laugh but nobody knows the pain underneath. Nobody sees or feels the pain behind my eyes and I hope they never do. This is not the way life was meant to be, or so I thought. No parent ever thinks that they will lose their child; we always think that we will have tomorrow. We worry and stress about things that don’t matter and how I wish I could change that. If your son or daughter starts school this week, live in the moment and treasure every minute of it; from the breakfast to the rushing out the door, to the homework to the bed time story. So many people will say I cant wait till he kids go back to school but next time that crosses your mind, take a minute to this of all the parents who would give anything to have their child back, even just for one day, one hour or one minute.
Tomorrow I will be thinking of Jack and all the other precious boys and girls who won’t be starting this new school year.
I hope you are have golden time wherever you are Jack. How I wish you were here to start not only this school year but every school year. My heart will be with all other broken hearted mums and dads this week.
Arlene, Jacks Mummy xxxxxx
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