Because Jack died days before Christmas Day, this time of year has always been emotionally challenging for me.
The year that Jack died, it took me over two months to take the Christmas tree down because I wanted my house to stay the same way that it was when he left for the very last time
The following year, I couldn’t bear to put it back up or even acknowledge that it was Christmas without Jack. I had no interest in Christmas, it was now a time of year that I associated with nothing but sadness and heartbreak.
The following year I met my husband Paul and my step daughter Niamh and I knew that I had to find a way to put a Christmas tree up for her sake.
Paul never once put any pressure on me, he was always so understanding of how I felt about Christmas but in my heart, I knew it wasn’t right for them. So, I made a promise to myself that although Christmas brought me so much sadness and heartache, I wouldn’t ruin it for Niamh.
She was 7 years old and deserved the same Christmas that Jack always got.
I knew that I couldn’t put Jacks tree and decorations back up because I would find it too difficult so I decided to decorate a tree that would incorporate Jack into it.
Jack and I would always cuddle up on the couch and watch Disney movies so we decided to do a Disney tree and decorate it with all the Disney movies that he liked.
Decorating the tree this way has helps me to cope with the sadness that I feel doing Christmas things without Jack. I feel like I’m doing the tree for him, in memory of him and all the things that he liked.
This year, it was Jacks little sisters turn to decorate the Christmas tree and seeing her face looking at all the Disney characters brought such warmth to my heart.
Jacks anniversary is the 19th December and his birthday is the 25th December so this time of year will always be full of emotion and sadness for me, how could it not be?
But ... it’s also Summers J birthday on the 17th December and her Christmas on 25th December so, just like I did for Niamh, I will always try my best to make sure that Summer J has the best Christmas as she grows up.
My heart might be broken and I might not enjoy Christmas and all the cheer but she won’t grow up knowing that, she will get exactly what her big brother got, excitement, happiness, fun and love.
Christmas isn’t about me...it’s all about and all for my babies.
Do what’s right for you and your family this Christmas, nobody else xx
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