Mummy I Dont Want To Die

Mummy I don’t want to die,
Jack your not going to die.
Are you going to die mummy?
No im not going to die Jack, not for a long time and you will be a big boy by then with your own family.
But I don’t want you to die mummy and I don’t want another family, your my family mummy....
Right Jack lets make a deal, when we are old, you and I will die together.
Mummy I want to die with all my family, even my cousins that I don’t know.

Fast forward two weeks and I am lying next to Jack in an intensive care bed with a nurse telling me that my healthy 5 year old son was about to die. I remember crying and saying to the nurse but I promised Jack that we would die together, how can this be possible? I can’t let my son die.

I was driving Jack to his school Xmas disco on the very night this picture and that conversation took place. I don’t know then that two weeks later my son would die and I would be forever remembering him saying that he didn’t want to die. Jack was a healthy little boy and had never experience any family members die so I don’t know what made him say that and I will never know.

Having your child die is the worst experience that any parent can suffer but in many ways I know that I have been spared some pain.
Jack didn’t suffer before or during his death and he didn’t know that he was going to die. So many parents have to watch their child suffer with horrible illnesses and have to tell their own child that they are going to die. They have to watch and listen to their child’s fears of dying and I cannot imagine such a pain. In day to day life it can be hard to be thankful for what we have but I for one know that there are some who are so much worse off than me.
Tonight I am going to be thankful for what I had and have, maybe we could all take a minute out of our night to do the same.

Arlene, Jack’s Mummy xxCNV00112

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