December's Here Again

The start of December marks the start of such a happy time for many families but for me, it marks the start of the saddest month of the year, the month that changed my life for the worst, forever. On the 1st of December children get to open their advent calendars and every year I make sure that Jack still gets one too. He’s no longer here but as a mum, I still want and need to do something for him. This year I took the Lego Star Wars advent calendar to Jacks grave as I bent d...own to kiss this photo on his headstone, I noticed one single drop of water under his left eye, what I can only describe as one single tear.

Seeing that tear took me back to the last night of Jacks life when lying in Edinburgh Sick Kids Intensive Care where he was unconscious and he hooked up to all sorts of machines. As I lay beside him on the bed, I noticed tears starting to roll out of Jacks closed eyes, down his cheeks. The doctors had already told us that Jacks organs and brain were damaged and that it was unlikely that he would live much longer but for a split second those tears made me think that Jack was alive and that he was crying because he could feel pain. I remember saying to nurses, Jack is crying, is he in pain? Can he feel something? Does this mean that he’s going to pull through? At that time, I tried to cling onto any signs of hope as I couldn’t accept the fact that my son who had be healthy 24 hours previous was going to die. I remember feeling relief when she said that Jack was in pain but also devastation that there really was no hope to cling onto, my son really was going to die. I can still see those visions in my head and seeing the tear on the photo at his grave took me right back to that moment, that helpless moment as his mother knowing that there was nothing I could do to help him from his pain or save him from his death.

As December starts, many people will be shedding tears for the loss of a loved one or for many other reasons. Before you tell a person to “cheer up”, “get in the festive spirit”, call them a “bah hum bug”, take a moment to remember that none of us really know what goes on in a persons life and why they may not enjoy Christmas and the festive season.

Sending love and strength to every family that is starting December without their son or daughter xx

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