Isn’t it time to move on? Are you not better yet? Are you not over that? Have you been through all the stages yet? Are you grieve forever? Sadly those are some of the questions that are asked of those who are grieving the death of loved one.
Society puts huge pressure on people to get over their loss and to move on. But who is anyone to say how long a person should grieve for? Who decides how long we should grieve for parents that die in a car accident, a partner that dies ...from an illness, a teenager that is murdered or a child that falls asleep and never wakes back up? Who decides whether we grieve for 1 year, 10 years or 50 years?
From losing of my own son, I know that grief doesn’t have a time limit and certainly doesn’t have a timeline or come in a straightforward series of stages. I can experience sadness, anger, guilt and happiness all in the one hour never mind over a period of months/years. I wish I could predict when each emotion will hit but I can’t because grief is unpredictable.
Someone recently said me to that they thought I wouldn’t be over this by now, if you lost your child, do you think you would get over it? They thought that I would be better or fixed by now, if you lost your child, do you think you would be better or fixed? How can I possible ever be better or fixed? I had a future planned with my beautiful son, he had his whole life ahead of him, school, a career, friendships, a wife, and children. How can I ever be better knowing that he will never get to do these things and that I will never see him again? How can I be fixed when everything you tuck you child into bed and I lie wondering where mine is and if he is happy and safe? Sometimes people just don’t think before they speak but I often wish people would take a minute to think about how they would feel if they lost their child.
Each person’s grief is unique, just like the uniqueness of the person that died. My grief is a reflection of my love for my son, in life I loved him dearly and in death, I love and miss him dearly. The death of my son happened in an instant but the aftermath of his loss will last a lifetime; the same lifetime that my love for him will last.
Nobody wants to feel the intense pain that grief causes, the sadness, the tears, the desperation, the helplessness, the longing, the guilt, the isolation, the depression. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Grief is real, grief is natural and grief doesn’t come with a timeline, no matter how much we may want it to.
Maybe tonight we could all take the time to acknowledge someone’s grief, tag them in this post, send them a text or pay them a visit. Let them know that you are there for them and that they don’t need to hide their grief from you.
To deny their loss is to deny their love.
Arlene, Jack’s Mummy xxx