Why my Son?
Why did my son have to die? Why him? Why, why why? Life can be so unfair and so cruel and I just don’t understand why.
Today as Jacks school friends had their first visit to secondary school and learned about science and cooking; I asked myself those questions all the more. It wasn’t just any secondary school that they were visiting; it was the secondary school that I work in. Jack was so looking forward to coming to my school but he will never get the chance to do that. He w...ould say “we can go to school together mummy” and “if I am in your class can you give homework to everyone else but not me”. The depth of the sadness that I have felt the last few days is indescribable. As I walked through the corridor today and I saw his friends play outside, my stomach sank as I realised that life really does move on and Jack is a life in the past. They are all taller and older looking but I only know Jack as being age 5, I don’t know what Jack would look like anymore. I feel such an intense sadness for Jack, for the life and friends that he is missing, for the opportunities that he is missing now and will always miss in the future. Why did he have to die? This wasn’t the life we had planned; he had so much ahead of him. Why, why, why!!
Today I realised that sometimes we don’t know how strong we are until being strong is the only option we have. I lay in bed this morning crying to Paul that I didn’t want to go to work today, I cried all the way to work but as soon as I walked in that door, I put my mask on and did my job like every other person. Inside my heart was breaking and I cried when I was alone but I made it through the day simply because I had to. Emotionally, I didn’t cope all too well with today but I made it out my bed and I completed a day’s work with nobody except those closest to me knowing how much I was suffering. I feel mentally and physically drained but I am still standing. 3 years ago; I don’t know that I could have coped with today at all, I probably wouldn’t have went to my work and if I did, I doubt I would have coped with seeing Jacks friends, a day’s work and the emotions inside me.
I am glad today is over but I know that it doesn’t end here; I know the milestones are never going to stop for the rest of my life without Jack. When a child dies, the world stops, there’s so much focus from other people on the 1sts, first birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas’s etc but the milestones for a child at any age, whether its 1 or 51, never end. The death of a child really is the worst imaginable loss. I wish I never knew this loss, life or pain. Why, why, why!!
Sending love and strength to all families living with the loss of their son or daughter.
Arlene, Jacks Mummy xxx
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