Moving Home

These little school shoes had been at my front door waiting for my boy to come home for the last 3 years. Deep down, I knew that he was never coming home but I just couldn’t bring myself to move them as if I had, then it would be like accepting that fact that he died. For 3 years, I kept Jacks room the exact same way that it was the very last day that he left my house. I was never in denial that my son had died; I knew that Jack was never coming home but I didn’t want to face that reality. I suppose having his room there gave me some kind of peace and comfort. Right or wrong, weird or strange, that was just my way of coping. At that time, I couldn’t bring myself to sort through Jacks things, pack them up or give them away as some people may suggest. How can any parent imagine packing their child’s things away forever?

Last year I decided that moving house may have been a better option for me. Jack always played with the children in street and I couldn’t bear to see Jack being the one that was missing from the street anymore. Jack got the school bus at the end of the street and I couldn’t bear passing the school bus each day and seeing that he was the only child missing. Last month, those little shoes were the last thing that I lifted as I left my home for the very last time. Packing my boys things away was like reliving the nightmare of his death all over again. People often say that “you have your memories” but I don’t think people realise how sad good memories can actually be. As I looked through Jack things, they brought back so many good memories but they made me sadder because they are all past memories and I will never get to make anymore memories with Jack. More than that, I feel so sad for Jack, for all the memories that he will never get to make.

Sometimes we are too quick to give advice and make judgments on things that we have never experienced ourselves , “maybe you should pack their things away” “maybe you need a new start” “it isn’t healthy to keep their room and belongings” “it’s just bricks” “you take your memories with you”. Moving house for me has been much more than leaving bricks and mortar and never again will I underestimate what a house move means to someone. Nor will I ever say to someone that “it's starting a new chapter or moving on” as nobody knows the impact and the guilt that this can place on someone. I don't want to start a new chapter without jack or move on without Jack.

Many families that I work with have moved home and have felt that it has been the best thing for them. I have always said that this blog was going to be a true reflection of my personal journey of grief and that for that reason I going to be honest and say that for me, leaving my home has felt like losing my boy all over again. It's made me face the reality that my boy is gone and never coming home. A reality I never wanted to face. A reality that no parents wants to exist but sadly this is a daily reality for so many people as children do die daily and that is the sole reason Brightest Star exists.

For this reason, I have taken some time off from Brightest Star lately hence there may have been a delay in communication etc and why I have not been able to commit as much time to organising/pushing events etc. As the summer approaches, I will have more time and we can make the second half of 2016 one to remember for Brightest Star.

Arlene, Jack’s Mummy xxx