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How Lonely Grieving Is

Nobody ever warned me just how lonely grieving can be and last week, four years on, I finally realised that fact for myself. I am lonely because I don’t have Jack here anymore, I don’t have his unconditional love, his cuddles and kisses or his “I love you mummy, can we do this mummy, can you get this for me mummy”. What I would I would give anything to be together again, for the sleepless nights, for the school run, for the washing basket to be full, for all the mum things ...that people often complain about. What i would give to have those arms arounds me just one more time.

Yes, I am physically lonely but I am also emotionally lonely because nobody can walk this path of grief for me, nobody can take this emotional pain away. These are the aspects of grief that many people don’t know about and I hope by sharing my own journey of grief that I can help others.

Our culture isn’t comfortable with the subject of death, and few of us know how to cope with the pain of loss and grief, myself included. We often don’t permit or encourage the free expression of sorrow. Instead we learn to control our feelings and hide our pain so we won’t disturb other people. As a child you may have learned that grief is a taboo subject, that feelings should be buried, and that grieving should be done alone. As an adult you may equate grieving with self indulgence or self-pity. You may be too embarrassed or ashamed to let your emotions show in front of others. You may feel isolated, different and apart from everyone else, convinced that no one understands and you must grieve alone. You may be reluctant to turn to others, either because you haven’t learned to accept or ask for help, or because you’re afraid others won’t know what to do with your feelings.

Last week I didn’t know what to do with my feelings and I was afraid of myself, I was reluctant to ask for help and I was so low that I didn’t think I was going to survive this ocean of grief. This week, I am swimming in the grief as opposed to drowning in it and I am just thankful for the family and friends that are still here to hold my hand and are not “expecting me to be over it by now”.

Sometimes those are the people that we forget about and I want to thank everyone who supports those that are grieving. It is an even lonelier road if you are walking it alone.

Arlene x100 1327

When no words seem appropriate .....

When no words seem appropriate .....

~I won't say, "I know how you feel"- because I don't. I've lost parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends, and pets, but I've never lost a child. So how can I say I know how you feel?

~I won't say, "You'll get over it"- because you won't. Life will have to go on. The washing, cooking, cleaning, the common routine. there.

...

~I won't say, "Your other children will comfort you"-because they may not. Many mothers I've talked to say that after they have lost a child, they easily lose their temper ith their remaining children.

~I won't say, "Never mind, you're young enough to have another baby"- because that won't help. A new baby can not replace the child you lost. A new baby fills your hours, keeps you busy, gives you sleepless nights. But it will not replace the one you lost.
So what will I say?

~I will say, "I am here. I care. Anytime. Anywhere." I will talk about your child. We'll laugh about the good memories. I won't mind how long you grieve. I won't tell you to pull yourself together.
~No, I don't know how you feel- but with sharing, perhaps I will learn a little of what you are going through.
~And perhaps you'll feel comfortable with me and find your burden has eased. Try me.

The Last Time

From the moment you hold your baby in your arms,
you will never be the same.
You might long for the person you were before, ...
When you have freedom and time,
And nothing in particular to worry about.
You will know tiredness like you never knew it before,
And days will run into days that are exactly the same,
Full of feedings and burping,
Nappy changes and crying,
Whining and fighting,
Naps or a lack of naps,
It might seem like a never-ending cycle.
But don’t forget …
There is a last time for everything. There will come a time when you will feed
your baby for the very last time.
They will fall asleep on you after a long day
And it will be the last time you ever hold your sleeping child.
One day you will carry them on your hip then set them down,
And never pick them up that way again.
You will scrub their hair in the bath one night
And from that day on they will want to bathe alone.
They will hold your hand to cross the road,
Then never reach for it again. They will creep into your room at midnight for cuddles,
And it will be the last night you ever wake to this.
One afternoon you will sing “the wheels on the bus”
and do all the actions,
Then never sing them that song again.
They will kiss you goodbye at the school gate,
The next day they will ask to walk to the gate alone.
You will read a final bedtime story and wipe your last dirty face.
They will run to you with arms raised for the very last time.
The thing is, you won’t even know it’s the last time
Until there are no more times.
And even then, it will take you a while to realize.
So while you are living in these times,
remember there are only so many of them
and when they are gone, you will yearn for just one more day of them. For one last time.
-Author Unknown- For some, one last time really does mean one last time. If only I knew then what I know now. Cherish every minute and take as many photos as you can.

 

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Could You Get Over It?

Would you be able to "get over it" or "move on" if your son or daughter died?

Most people can't answer that question because they don't even want to think about such a tragedy happening to them.
In reality, nobody can answer that question honestly until they have experienced such a tragedy.

...

From personal experience, I know I'll never "get over it" how can I possibly get over the death of my own son? I don't think ill ever accept or understand how a healthy 5 year old can die overnight. I'll also never "move on" as that suggests I'm moving on without jack and as his mum...im never going to let that happen.

Grief comes with many physical symptoms, sickness, fatigue, body pains, chest pains, anxiety, headaches but many people don't know that. The emotional and mental side effects of grief can be overwhelming but just because people can't physically see them...doesn't mean they don't exist.

Don't let someone who is grieving to "move on" or "get on with it" instead try to support and listen to them. Try to think how would you want someone to treat you if you ended up in that situation.

Brightest star is always here to support families who are suffering from the loss of a son or daughter at any age, from any cause of death

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